The best laid plans…

If you will recall, my last blog laid out some very nice, relaxing weekend plans filled with music, football, and spending time with my hubby and pets.  Well, you can just crank open that window and toss them all out.  Got a call this afternoon from my kid brother informing me that my 77-year old grandfather has been in a motorcycle accident and has been airlifted to UAB Hospital for emergency surgery.  The extent of his injuries was not immediately clear, but I was told that he was lucid and talking to the crew on the flight to the hospital, and gave them his entire medical history to boot.  That is all well and good.  So hi ho, hi ho, to Birmingham I went.  I’ll be here until Sunday when we know more.

He is now heavily sedated and in traction at the UAB trauma center.  His leg was nearly severed below the knee, he broke a few ribs and his left scapula, and has a major case of road rash all over the left side of his body.  The good news is that he has no head, chest, or spinal injuries (that they know of so far), and they may be able to save his leg.  He will be kept under sedation until Sunday, and at that time they will reevaluate his leg and see what would be the best course of action to take.  Hopefully everything else will calm down by then.  In some ways, he looks better than I expected.  I was expecting a raw hamburger meat stump for a leg.  That was not the case.  I was not expecting the major swelling I saw in his face.  But he has been on fluids and such since early this afternoon, so I guess that is to be expected.  I mean, his leg still looks awful, but his foot is still attached and they say that blood is getting to his feet, so that’s a good thing.

Nobody knows what happened or what caused the accident.  We haven’t spoken to any of the flight crew to see if he told them, and he was taken to surgery almost as soon as he got to the hospital (after a major drop in blood pressure and a transfusion), so he has probably been under sedation since early this afternoon.  He goes for long motorcycle rides, sometimes as far as Huntsville, and has been doing that for years.  Today, he did not have a cell phone with him.  So we don’t know who saw his accident and called 911, but it had to be almost instantaneous because he would have bled to death if an emergency crew had not gotten there in great haste.  Thank you, person who called 911.  I appreciate you.

Suffice it to say, Grandaddy will no longer be riding motorcycles.  He was on the Birmingham Police Department motorcade for many years when he was younger, and when my father was about 12 or 13 my grandfather was nearly killed in a motorcycle accident.  So twice is enough.  No more.  And over my dead body will Mr. Burks ever buy a motorcycle.  Prior to today, I would have not been opposed to him getting one after we were through having children, but not any longer.  The odds of survival and absence of major bodily injury are just not that good if you have an accident.

So, if you are the praying type and you have a spare minute, please send up some love for my grandfather.  We are confident that he will make it, but he is going to be in a lot of severe pain for a long time, and he’s old.  Think some happy thoughts for him.  Nothing else really matters to me right now.  Making babies will wait.  I don’t care about Barack Obama and any of the issues surrounding him or his candidacy, or what you think about John McCain or Sarah Palin as VP.  The Auburn game has been somewhat marginalized (hey, I will be at the hospital with my two uncles tomorrow, who are Auburn graduates, so you know we’re going to find some way to listen to the game).  These things are not important and do not matter to me right now, and they probably won’t be taking up any of my brain space until my grandfather is awake and on the mend.  You understand, I’m sure.

FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL!!!

HOORAY IT IS TIME FOR COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!

The Burks clan takes our college football very seriously.  Specifically, our Auburn football.  If you will remember from last year, I wrote several blog entries about how Mr. Burks acted like a complete a-hole for the rest of the night if Auburn lost (or even didn’t play as well as he thought they should have).  Last fall was a high-stress time for us, what with the debacle with our renters and the subsequent renovation of the Trussville house and waiting for it to sell, so hopefully he will be able to restrain his a-hole tendencies (and by golly, does he have those in spades).  I think he’ll do just fine.

We are kicking off college football season with a little bit of the Vandy-Miami Ohio game.  Vandy just scored.  Woohoo.  South Carolina is about to get started as well.  The big draw this weekend, though, is going to be Clemson and Alabama.  We are Clemson sympathizers, and will root for any team that is playing Alabama, so that will definitely be a game to watch.

Also on the docket for this weekend is the Celebrate Freedom music festival.  Earlier this summer, Mr. Burks decided that he was tired of living like a heathen and so we started going back to church, cut out drinking except for the occasional glass of wine, and stopped cursing (which was by far the hardest thing for me).  He has also taken up listening to the local Christian music station on his daily drives around to his stores, and heard about this music festival.  He wants to go because Chris Sligh (pudgy mop-topped guy from American Idol last year) is one of the acts.  I am looking forward to going now because yesterday they announced that Third Day was now part of the lineup.  I used to love Third Day back when I was in high school and college.  They remind me of a simpler time in my life.  And they just came out with a new album, so I am excited to see them perform again after ten years.

I have not really been keeping up with the DNC, as I am not a Democrat and don’t really care.  I have been reading the text of the speeches and watching the news coverage and getting updates from the political blogosphere, but by the time I get home in the evenings I just really don’t have much left in me for thinking about politics.  I just want to play with my dogs outside for awhile and go to bed.  I will say that Biden was a surprising choice for VP, given the mantra of change that Barry has been chanting for the entire campaign.  Biden is about as Washington insider as you can get.  But at least he knows how Washington works (or doesn’t work), which is a bit of an issue with Barry given his short tenure in the Senate.  I will probably try to keep up with the RNC a little bit more since I am, reluctantly, pulling the lever for John McCain, but I won’t be scheduling my evenings around it.  I do wonder who McCain’s choice for VP will be.  I think he’s going to go with Pawlenty.  Don’t know why, but that’s what I think.  I wish he’d pick Fred Thompson, if I had my druthers.  But they don’t pay me for my political opinions, so I guess what I think doesn’t really matter.

Blah, blah, I don’t even really care anymore.  I have much more deeply personal things to be concerned with right now, things that a new president won’t help, no matter who it is.

Work is insaaaaaaaaaaaaaane lately.  We are gearing up for trial in one of our very few plaintiff cases, and everyone is scrambling trying to be as prepared as possible.  We have nearly 900 exhibits, of which we need an original and three copies, which amounted to 28 bankers boxes of exhibits.  The defense has over 1,000 exhibits.  I am anxious to see how many of those exhibits are actually used.  I am going to guess less than 50.  We’re going to have to plant an entire forest of trees to keep Al Gore from attacking us.

***WARNING:  TMI AHEAD***

I am going back to the doctor next Thursday to follow up on this first round of Clomid.  I have been feeling some cramping type pains the past two days, and I don’t really know what that’s all about.  I haven’t had a normal, unmedicated period since 2004, so I don’t really remember what premenstrual cramps feel like.  I think it is too early for them, though, so I don’t know what’s going on.  Hopefully nothing serious.

How are you all doing this week?  Anything exciting going on that you’d like to share?

I kissed a girl.

So, maybe I’ve been hiding under a rock for the past oh, two months or so, I don’t know, but I just now today made it a point to listen to that I Kissed a Girl song by Katy Perry (who?).  Perez Hilton just raves about her, so surely the music has a little merit, right?  Wrong.  That is the most retarded song I have ever heard.  So you kissed a girl.  Big whoop (oh yeah, I’m bringin’ it back).  You’re SCANDALOUS.  I mean, what a rebel.  Kissing someone of the same sex?!  Unheard of!  Meanwhile, the video obviously exposes the acting scandalous for pay motives of this girl.  Women do not just sit around in lingerie together all day making out.  Even lesbians don’t do that.  At least, I don’t think they do.  I’ll ask some and get back to you.  She’s pretty, got a good figure, prances around in skimpy outfits, and sings about kissing girls.  Of course that’s gonna get a lot of air.  The song itself sucks.  The video is crap based on visual artistry.  I much prefer Jill Sobule’s I Kissed a Girl. It’s cuter.  But the kids these days are running around singing this horribly unoriginal song, just to look and sound rebellious and posh and adventurous, and would probably faint with fright if a girl tried to kiss them.  Just go kiss a girl if you want to.  I promise nobody will bat an eye.  Then maybe the terrible song will go away when everyone realizes that girls kiss girls and boys kiss boys every day.

I mean, if you want some raunch in your music,  grab some Peaches.  Get some Mickey Avalon.  If you want lesbian music, there is a plentitude of amazing music out there by lesbians, for lesbians, and about lesbians.  Indigo Girls, kd lang, Melissa Etheridge.  That is music.  A sorority girl bouncing around in her underwear singing about kissing a girl (and liking it) is not music.  I’m just saying.

This blog entry sponsored by The Straight Girl’s Guide to Lesbian Music and Whole Foods.

Bar Stool Economics

Just a quick one for now, kids.  It’s a busy day here in Law Firm Land.

Bar Stool Economics

“Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.”Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’ They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,”declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,” but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!”

“That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.”

DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND INFILTRATED!!!

……by its own adware???

Drug haze.

Last night I took my first Clomid.  I guess I slept through any potential side effects.  I had trouble waking up this morning, but I guess I should attribute that to staying up until midnight.  I was fairly tired all day, and I now have a slight headache after taking the second pill, but otherwise no Mrs. Hyde so far.  Hopefully it will stay that way.

Anyone seen Pineapple Express yet?  I want to go see it.

I still haven’t picked up a Wii Fit or Mario Kart, even though I have been meaning to for weeks and weeks.  I was even in the electronics department of the Evil Empire last night getting a micro SD card for the ol’ BlackBerry, and I walked right past the video games.  Boo.  I need to get back on the Zelda: Twilight Princess horse soon or I will forget everything I’ve done so far.  I haven’t played it in probably two months.

College football season starts two weeks from tomorrow.  I heard my first “Goooooo Georgia Bulldogs!!!” of the season today on the radio.  It made my ears bleed, but did serve as a reminder that Auburn football is right around the corner!  I am also excited to see the Clemson/Alabama game.  We went to a Clemson game in 2006 with some friends who are alums, and it was fun.  I hope they beat the crap out of Alabama.  I hate Alabama.

This was pointless.  Headache is getting worse.  Goodnight.

The bitch is back!!!

Hillary Clinton’s name to be put in nomination at DNC.

Whaaaaat? You didn’t think it would really be that easy, did you, Obama worshippers? I knew HRC would come with some kind of cheap trick at the buzzer. Loves it. LOVES it. The Clinton camp is saying that this is a move to get the voices of her supporters heard, to bring about unity and peace amongst the Democrat party, that it will be a sort of “catharsis” to see her name on the nomination. Poppycock! That woman will be scheming, wheeling, and dealing up until the day of the convention trying to get the unpledged superdelegates in her camp, and get the pledged superdelegates to change their minds and vote for her. Ain’t no fat ladies singing yet as far as I can see, Barry.

OR! OR OR OR!!! She has some sort of bombshell, catastrophic dirt on Obama or one of his closest that will completely discredit him, disqualify him, and break him. Ohhhhh, I think I shall take a moment to rub my hands together maniacally. … Does she have Obama’s/Soetero’s birth certificate? Does she have proof of Indonesian or Kenyan citizenship that has yet to be renounced? Does she have Michelle’s “whitey” video in her possession? Does she have some sort of information that pegs Obama as an Islamist Manchurian candidate? Does she have a jilted mistress or secret love child in her arsenal? WHO KNOWS?! THAT’S THE EXCITEMENT!!!

Could be nothing. Could be everything. Oh, but it is certainly going to be interesting. I’ve got to hand it to her. She’s got moxy. I’m just saying.

Yay Olympics!

I love the Olympics. I don’t even know why. I have always loved the Olympics for some reason. Mr. Burks had yet to experience the full extent of my Olympics love until this year, as we did not get married until October of 2004 so he was not privy to my late night viewings of random sports and obsessively keeping track of the medal count. I like to watch the sports I have never tried or done well, like gymnastics. You try getting six feet of woman into the air at one time. Those girls are itsy. I like the rowing, the swimming, the track and field events, you name it, I’ll watch it. I basically glue myself to the television every free moment I have for two weeks.

The May/Walsh wonderduo give me all sorts of inferiority complexes about the sad state of my body. I look at Kerri Walsh and all I can think is “hey, I used to look like that!” Maybe not THAT thin, but darn close! This past year has really taken a toll on my body. My diet was absolutely horrible while we were working on that house in Trussville and were consequently poor as dirt for about six months, and I just haven’t gotten back into the groove of eating healthy. Well, I won’t say that. I eat fairly healthy, but my exercise has been slack until a few weeks ago. I have decided that I am not going to focus on reclaiming my former glory as a size 8 until after I get pregnant and give birth (God willing). The business of trying to conceive and having fertility issues is taxing enough on the mind. I sure don’t need to be wrestling with a poor body image at the same time. My hubby loves me and thinks I’m beautiful, so I guess that’s all that matters.

The men’s synchronized diving outfits make me uncomfortable. The guys that dove the other night looked much more juvenile that the dudes that are diving right now, though. Maybe the overall youthful appearance of the other guys was what was making me uncomfortable, because I am not really having any problems staring at the beefcake on the screen tonight. Whoo.

And yay Michael Phelps. You are a golden god. Everyone else has already said everything there is to say about you, so I’ll just say kudos.

I will say that in spite of all of the social and political ramblings about the Olympics being hosted by China, I am enjoying it for a purely superficial and petty reason: I find Asian men attractive and there are lots of them about over there.

Anyway, enough about the Olympics. Here is something only somewhat related to the Olympics: that commercial with Nastia Liuken covered in butterflies FREAKS ME OUT. I’m not really skittish about bugs (except for roaches, I scream like a little baby girl at the mere sight of one), but I am extremely freaked out by a lot of anything touching me at one time. One butterfly, I’m fine. Even two or three. Any more than that and I start getting reeeeaaaally skeezed. So that commercial is quite scary to me.

For various reasons lately, I have found myself in need of distraction. I have a tendency to think too much and, thanks to my obsessive-compulsive nature, I get focused on one thing and I can’t seem to wrest it from my head. I have been doing fairly well at keeping myself busy. I have been reading a lot, plugging away at Atlas Shrugged and starting The Satanic Verses. I am still working up the nerve to go up to Emory in an effort to meet Salman Rushdie. I have been more productive at work, which I hope will continue even after my brain calms down. Work is where I need to keep my mind busy, so I am glad that I am never lacking for things to do. It is only going to get more difficult to keep myself from getting too far inside my head for the next several weeks, so I hope I can be more productive at home and we can get some of our household projects completed. First project: the half bath downstairs. We started taking off the wallpaper (WALLPAPER, people! Ugh) and discovered that it was put up with some sort of futuristic super adhesive, and that the wall underneath was at least 40% spackle. So, instead of engaging in the futility of trying to take down the wallpaper, we just ripped out the drywall and are going to start with a clean slate. What’s today, the 13th? Let’s see how long it takes us to get this little project accomplished. It’s not a big room, maybe the size of a handicapped bathroom stall. Shouldn’t take that long, right? Ha. Never underestimate a Burks’ ability to procrastinate.

On the babymaking front, my Prometrium pills achieved their intended purpose, and I am on CD4 right now. Tomorrow night I will take my first Clomid pill and hopefully sleep through the side effects. I have heard horror stories of violent mood swings, bloating, soreness, and general overall evilness, and I have heard that it could be nothing more than hot flashes. Let’s hope for the hot flashes. Let’s also hope that the Clomid works as it should and that my body cooperates. I just want some normalcy in my reproductive system. Is that too much to ask?

Anyway.

I think I will look through the pictures from our little Charleston excursion. Maybe I will post some for your viewing pleasure.

RIP

Report: Isaac Hayes dead at 65.

WHAT is going on?!

RIP

Actor Bernie Mac dead at age 50.

Sad day.